Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
