so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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