we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
