I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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