Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
