dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
