I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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