i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
