I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
