oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
