We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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