Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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