NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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