Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
