we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
