Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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