I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
