insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There's even glitter on my cock...
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