someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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