I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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