Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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