I could make wine with my vomit
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
