if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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