Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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