Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
