U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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