just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
