I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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