He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
