the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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