Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
