and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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