If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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