dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
