I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
