she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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