Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
