i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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