just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
