I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
