yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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