after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
