i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
