Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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