How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it because I queefed?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
