It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
