I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
