when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
