Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
