Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
