I'm gonna have a badass scar
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
