I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
3pm strippers are depressing
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The Olympian is in my bed
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
