yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
