what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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