I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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