Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
